Monday, 25 August 2014

When did Lingerie become so Blah?

Womens underwear has gone through such enormous transitions throughout history and thankfully, so have women. Society has embraced femininity allowing us to finally be who we want to be with little to nothing standing in our way (at least, thats what we are raised to believe).

So why on earth is something that is the epitome of femininity suddenly so boring and drab?

There are at least eight (count them!) lingerie shops or departments in Nottingham and yet I was still reduced to throwing a strop and declaring that I'd sooner open my own then buy from any of them(!!) Out of all of them, only one had lingerie I even considered purchasing and then they didn't have my size. Seems as though I'm not the only one with good taste as apparently, every other self respecting woman had got there before me.

I am going to tell you what the difference is between the tat and the not-tat.

When you put on your underwear you should actually have that split second feeling of empowerment. If you have time to spare you should most definitely spend it in front of the mirror basking in that feeling. That's your body and it looks awesome! That's your body and it feels magnificent. That's your body and yes, you can conquer anything life throws at you.

Now step away from the mirror.

That is the feeling you will have when you put that bra/knicker set on. Not just the first time, but every time.

If the feeling you get is an underwhelming exhilation and it has your shoulders dropping, you're wearing tat.

So, after you've had that mega moment of bliss, you get dressed and somehow your clothes look 40 times better than the time you wore them with that day-glo-chav-crap underneath. You suddenly walk a bit taller (and those heels are epic and somehow even your legs look tremendously endless thanks to those knickers you're wearing) and you know that should you get hit by a bus, you will look amazing when the paramedic is cutting off your shirt!

Will you have that same assurance with the fuchsia-pink-with-leopard-print-trim piece of rubbish? I saw one like that only yesterday and... HELLO ADMINISTRATION!

On a somewhat cattier note, I hope to actual god that these so called lingerie "designers" aren't getting paid more than minimum wage?! Because there is zero skill in taking the same design and pumping it out in 40 different colours.


And, before any of you roll your eyes in derision at my "expensive" (or pretentious) taste. A good bra doesnt have to cost more than £25 but certainly should cost more than £15.

And matching pants are a must.

Oh, and on a final note about these "free fitting services", it's all just a marketing ploy. They measure you into their sizing bracket and push every design in that size onto you  until you feel obliged to buy one-all while whispering in your ear that you just cant find the right size anywhere else...


Get yourself a tape measure (and get yourself undressed).

With the tape parallel to the floor measure your rib cage directly under your bust. If you are an even number add 4" and if you are an odd number add 3" (so if you measure 30" add 4" = 34" this is your band/back size)

As you can see, I'm 33", that's an odd number so I need to add 3" so my back size is 36". This number will change as you gain or lose weight.

Now take your tape measure and place it around the flat part of your chest, above your bust, over your breast bone and under your arms:


Finally, measure the fullest part of your bust, you might need to do this while wearing a bra, depending you where your breasts naturally lie, but here you can see I'm 38". Now for the math (dun dun duuuhhh!).

Take your bust measurement and subtract your chest measurement. My example would be 38"-35"=3"

Now for every inch it's a cup size 1"=A, 2"=B etc.

So three inches is a C cup. 36C is my size.

Now go try all the bras on that you can find and tell me that you aren't comfortable in them. I'll need proof of a bad fit. With pictures. 

Wasn't all that so tremendously difficult?! On a more serious note-does it make me a "fitting expert" because I know how to do that properly (thank you De Montfort Uni!!).

I'd like to make one last thing as clear as I possibly can to everyone who reads this, going up a cup size does not mean you can go down a band size. Bragging rights for big tits is only fun until you get sore or can't breathe from wearing tight elastic around your rib cage. Your bra shouldn't mark you. 

Love your boobs enough to be honest with yourself about your size.

I don't know how particular brands get away with it, I'll never forget the obnoxious sales assistant who, upon me pointing out my bust was too small for their brand (they start at a D cup), declared that I'd "be surprised!!" All while waggling her tape measure at me and having a plastic smile on her face. I still muster up the look of disgust that crossed my face on that very day every time I remember the unfortunate conversation. 

Own what you've got. 

*I should add, since we are women and all, breasts change. They never really stop changing, so don't use this measuring system once and decide that that will be your size for the rest of your life. Just always make sure you're comfortable and that your boobs are not squashed or rolling about loosely in too-big cups. Breast health is important, after all.