Friday, 25 July 2014

Modern Sexuality (and why it sucks 😉 to be a woman)

Having discussed this partially with Spadge and Heather, usually in the middle of Costa coffee, I've managed to get high enough up on my soapbox to write a blog post about it.

I like sex. I like sex three times a day at the very least and could easily match any mans sexual appetite with my own voracity and stamina. 

Since the trouble I had with my baby box at the beginning of the year I had to come off cerazette, which (I'm pretty sure) was the only thing that was controlling my insatiable sexual desires. 

Since entering this period of heightened awareness (I'm trying not to sound crass) I've been searching for reasons as to why I'm like this and whether or not I'm the only one?! 

I'm not the only one. Though I have discovered through some very awkward conversations with people that there is a plethora (smirk) of sexual appetites and they are wide ranging. One woman I talked to thought there was something wrong with her being happy with the Sunday morning sex she had weekly with her long term partner. What shocked me more was that he was ok with this. Another woman found it increasingly frustrating that her male partner didn't want sex at all when he had been away for a week. Then another woman who gave up waiting for her husband to satisfy her and started having one night stands. 

Looking for answers to my behavioural traits I thought I'd start where any self respecting pseudo-psychologist would. Not many people know about my up bringing (I don't even think Spadge and Heather know a great deal about it) but it was a boat load of paradoxes. Seeing my past through my adult eyes I can understand where my sexual appetite comes from and see how oppressed my sexual development was by my mother especially. Ironic, considering her sexual history. When I was a teenager, painfully shy and socially awkward, I was constantly reminded to not be a tart/slut and make up never touched my face until the day I walked out of the house and went to college. I didn't understand what was wrong with me feeling so strange all the time. It wasn't actually until I met Spadge and Heather that I started to come out of my shell and discuss this stuff. Now, ten years down the line I feel like everything has clicked into place. 

My concern isn't that I'm so sexually confident and demanding, but that so many other men and women are and are afraid to show it even to their partners. 

I remember how my husband found out about my appetite when I couldn't suppress it any longer. This is another area in which we aren't matched. He would be more than happy with twice a week and can handle it perfectly if we go for 4+ weeks without any sex. By week two I'll be pacing the landing in bare feet trying to ground myself. By week three I'll be on the porn sites routinely and by week four I'll be actively seeking another sexual partner. This is when he notices me looking at other guys (and girls) with that look in my eye and he will usually sort me out. 

But, why is it in this day and age, we can't be honest with ourselves about our needs as a person, an individual, regarding one of our most basic needs? Shouldn't it be one of the first things discussed with a new partner along with our other expectations; "I'd like someone who is kind and caring, willing to provide for his family and be able to satisfy me sexually x times per day/week/month". After all, how often are we told that sex is an important part of the relationship? And why is everyone still so prudish about it?

There is little point going into any relationship knowing your sexual fulfilment will be lacking, and the best way of knowing this is when you start to seek that fulfilment elsewhere. 

And women need to seriously step up and take control of their sexualities and expectations. Why compromise a vital part of ourselves for fear of being branded a tart/slut/whore? And there is a clear line between promiscuity and sexuality. 

I am proud of myself for finally realising that there is nothing wrong with liking sex just as much as there is nothing wrong with disliking it. The worst thing in this whole situation is being judged negatively (by women especially) for something that is mostly beyond our control, whichever way we are. 

There is no point in lying to ourselves about something we can't fight, so finding a way to accept it and embrace it is surely the most logical step?