'When is it your turn?'

I recently read a great article by a lady who doesn't want kids and is sick of being asked when she is going to reproduce. There were parts of that post that really pulled at some heart strings for me and I'm sure for other people. Even though the author's situation was the complete opposite of what I want, she also managed to understand other women's situations, something a lot of people don't think about.

Sometime last year I was out for dinner with some 'friends' and some of the group bought their newborn baby with them. If I'd known they were going to the meal, I would have made my excuses as I knew what was coming. Endless questions of 'when is it your turn?' 'are you broody?' 'when are you two having kids?' thrown at me from all directions. For someone who had, at the time already been trying for a baby for around a year with no luck these questions were a stab in the heart and actually made me cry, which I luckily managed to do with no one noticing! None of these people knew our situation so I suppose you could let them off but as the original article says you really should think before you speak.

When people ask you about your reproduction plans how do they know that person hasn't miscarried last week? It's not something you would tell everyone. How do they know they haven't just been told they can't have kids or have already been trying for years? They don't and it's more than a little ignorant to not think about a person's possible situation before they speak. If there is a couple sat in front of you who have been together 5 years and have no kids, why could this be?! Why do they not have kids? The easy answer is maybe they just aren't ready or haven't even thought about kids or they simply don't want any. But with 1 in 7 couples in the UK having fertility issues there is a very real possibility that the person sat in front of you is probably dreading the question of kids coming up.

We have kept our struggle private from everyone that is not close to us as for one it's no one else's business and the last thing I need is comments like "aren't you pregnant yet?" from ill informed, insensitive people. But I do sometimes wonder if it would be easier if people knew and then maybe they would not keep asking about our plans for children. Then again, knowing these types of people, they would probably ask even more!

I quote from the original article...
"It is time for those who view it as socially appropriate to make comments or jokes about a woman’s plans for child-bearing to understand that it’s not okay. It is also not okay to ask when she’s going to have kids or her reasons why she’s choosing not to. I don’t care who you are — unless you are my husband, doctor, or my best friend of fourteen years, do not ask me or make jokes about my pregnancy status. Or lack thereof. It’s not funny, cute, or kind. In fact, it’s the exact opposite, and depending on whatever my circumstances might be that you likely don’t know about it could be absolutely devastating."

Never a truer word spoken. It's a shame people can't keep their big nosy noses out of other people's business. If you want kids, have them yourself and stop discussing my ovarian activity!

Infertility

It has taken me a lot of courage to write this post. Infertility is a bit of a taboo subject, after all if you have sex, you will get pregnant and die right?! That's what we were taught in school. We spend years trying not to get pregnant, pumping various dangerous drugs into our bodies that cause all sorts of hideous symptoms not to mention what it is probably doing to your body and reproductive system that you can't see on the outside, you would think that when you want to get pregnant it would be easy. STOP RIGHT THERE! Of course some people get pregnant by accident (seems near enough impossible to me!), some get pregnant first time and some take a few months. Let me tell you, for every person that gets pregnant easily there is one that doesn't. The one that takes months, years to conceive. Well thats me. And I never in a million years thought that that would be me, but it is. I'm currently expecting period number 16 since we have been trying. Thats 16 months of unprotected sex with no results. I am left thinking why on earth did I ever take the pill, put up with the headaches, the full body itching, the spots, the breast lumps to name but a few of the problems I had with it. 16 long months of trying for a baby you want so much and getting nowhere. I have seen people get pregnant, give birth and sure enough get pregnant with number 2 in the time I have been trying. That hurts! Don't get me wrong I know there are people out there that have been trying for a lot longer than I have and according to my doctor 16 months is still in the 'normal' timeframe of 18 months but it just gets so frustrating seeing people posting their scan photos on Facebook, relatives getting pregnant in their teens by someone they barely know and new baby photos scattered all over social media. When you want something so much and you honestly don't know if you will ever have it, it hurts. When that thing is a baby it hurts even more. I have always wanted kids, I picked out my future daughter's name about 5 years ago, I always dreamt of taking my kids to the beach to make sand castles and going shopping for cute clothes, helping them with their homework and being there when they cry. At the moment I don't know if that will ever happen and it's the most frustrating and depressing thing in the world. Then there are the 'aren't you two going to have a baby soon?' and 'aren't you broody?' questions from insensitive morons at the dinner table in front of 10 other people. While we are on the subject of insensitive comments, one of the most annoying things you can say to a person who is trying to conceive is 'just relax'. Well thanks for that but the more you tell me to relax, the more wound up I get. 'It will happen when you least expect it' Well right now, I don't expect it at all but so far no luck with that one either! 'You need to be more positive about it' well ok, right now after 16 months I'm not positive about it, but at the beginning I was excited, thinking this time next year we'll have a baby, only it didn't happen that way so no I'm not feeling positive! You see my frustration?!

People just don't understand how hard it is for some people to get pregnant. I recently joined an amazing community of 'TTCers' (TTC=Trying to conceive) on a popular social networking site with hundreds of members going through this struggle and I can tell you I was surprised by the amount of people who are going through the same thing. Young people, older people, healthy people, not so healthy people, it isn't stuck to one type of person. It has really helped me realise I'm not alone and I've made some lovely new friends who understand what it's like and are always there for advice.

There are only a few people who know we are trying as I find it adds more pressure to us the more people that know. The last thing I need is for people to be asking about my womb status every time I see them! I actually find it very embarrassing too as getting pregnant should be a pretty easy thing to do and people just don't seem to get it!

So the next thing for us is various tests to see what the problem is, if a problem comes up we will be referred to the fertility clinic after 18 months of trying for even more tests. Luckily for men there's only one test they can do, unlucky for me there are a lot more tests that can be done on women. I can't say I'm looking forward to that!

Here are a few tips for anyone trying to conceive……

*Keep it to yourself as much as possible, the less people know the less stress for you.

*Keep yourself busy in the 2 week wait.

*Try not to get too obsessed over having sex at the right time.

*Try to keep things romantic in the bedroom, if sex is just about having a baby it's going to get stressful and unenjoyable very quickly.

*Try to have sex throughout your cycle and not just on the days you can get pregnant.

*Eat healthily, take vitamins, drink water, exercise.

*Use ovulation predictor tests, they are great for knowing when/if you are ovulating.

*Don't do a pregnancy test every month. I know a lot of people who test every month and get disappointed, wait for your period to arrive, it's disappointing but not as bad as seeing the words 'not pregnant' flash up on the screen! Remember your period is a free pregnancy test!

*If you're are not pregnant after a year, see a doctor. They will arrange tests to be done, usually starting with a sperm analysis and blood test to see if you're ovulating. Don't put it off, waiting lists for fertility clinics are long apparently!